“I named my dog ‘five miles,’ so that I can say ‘I walked five miles today. ’” “Jokes about steak are a medium rarely done well. ” “This nosy pepper keeps bothering people. It just gets jalapeno business. ” “Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? They’re just going through a stage. ” “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything. ”
“Why is it called ‘deodorant’ when it should be called ‘re-odorant’?” “Why did Michael Jordan have a coach? He’s the best basketball player of all time. What did the coach do? Just yell, ‘Yeah! Keep doing that Mike!’” “People always say they’re ordering food at a restaurant, but really they’re ordering the server. ” “Parking attendants always sit in little glass booths; they don’t really attend to anything, do they?”
“Does anyone know how to clean syrup off of a wood floor? It’s a serious question, I have syrup all over my floor. ” “Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels, and bagels can’t fly. ” “I bought a thesaurus yesterday; unfortunately, I don’t know how to read. ” “Did you know that France is actually smaller than every other country combined?” “I saw a fish in the bathroom, and I was just like, ‘Woah. You don’t belong here. Get out of here fish. ’”
“Just remember, I’m a unique individual. Like everyone else!” “I always tell my employees, don’t think of me as your boss. Think of me as a friend who can fire you. ” “Honesty is the best policy. I invented that quote back when I was the president. ” “I’m not a sarcastic person. I always say what I mean. ”
“Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “Water” Water who? “Water you asking me so many questions for? Let me in already!” “Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “Nobel” Nobel who? “No bell, that’s why I’m knocking. ” “Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “Tank. ” Tank who? “You’re welcome!” “Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “Control freak. ” Control freak who? “Okay, now you say ‘Control freak who?’” “Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “A cow who interrupts people. ” A cow who inter— “MOO!”
“Why did the chicken cross the road?” Why? “No one knows, but the road is clearly upset about it. ” “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Why? “Arrogance. Pure, unadulterated pride. ” “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Why? “To tempt fate. ” “Why did the cow cross the road?” Why? “Because it wanted to go to the moo-vies. ” “Why did the chicken go looking for ghosts?” Why? “To get to the other side. ”
“A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When they finish it, they say, ‘So, how much do I owe you, bartender?’ The bartender replies, ‘For you, my friend, no charge. ’” “A man who goes digging for expensive gems walks into a bar. The bartender shakes his head and asks him to leave. He says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve miners here. ’” “A bear walks into a bar and says, ‘I’ll take a whiskey and…soda. ’ The bartender asks, ‘Why the long pause?’ and the bear says, ‘I’m not sure. I was born with them. ’” “A horse walks into a bar. A scared bartender shouts out in confusion, ‘Hey?!’ The horse sits down at the bar and says, ‘You read my mind!’”
“How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. ” “How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to hold the giraffe, one to turn into a flower, and a third to screw the bulb in. ” “How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s a hardware problem. ” “How many skateboarders does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes them 100 attempts. ” “How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it, and the other to change it back. ”
“I needed someone to draw realistic dogs for me. Unfortunately, the labradoodle doodle dude will have to do. ” “I was worried that my father sold something silly for a living, but it turns out that seldom do dads sell dumb doodads. ” “Did you hear about the three friends who drew each other? Andrew drew Ann, Ann drew Drew, and Drew drew Ann drawing Andrew. ” “How do you tell the time in Dublin? An Irish wristwatch. ” “Microsoft doesn’t have a marketing campaign for their new database software. It turns out that Excel excels at cells, so it sells itself. ”
“A bird walks into the dentist’s office. It goes to the front desk and says, ‘Hello, I need the dentist to take a look at this tooth that’s bothering me. ’ The secretary says, ‘I’m sorry, we don’t have a bird dentist here. ’” “Why can’t a T-Rex clap their hands? Because they’re extinct. ” “A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. They have a pleasant time discussing a variety of topics because they’re all good friends. ” “What’s the difference between a joke and a rhetorical question?” “Knock, knock. ” Who’s there? “To” To who? “No, no, it’s ‘to whom. ’ You use ‘who’ when it refers to the subject of a sentence. ”
