This can be surprisingly hard! It’s never easy to admit that we’ve done something foolhardy or mean - it acknowledges the oft-avoided truth that we’re fundamentally imperfect. However, it’s the only way to go if you’re serious about saying sorry. Avoid saying “I’m sorry you’re upset” because that language doesn’t take responsibility for the action. [3] X Expert Source William Gardner, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 25 July 2019.
Again, remember not to excuse yourself from your wrongdoing. A good rule to follow is to offer an explanation, rather than an excuse.
If you’re still on speaking terms with the person you’ve wronged, you can try asking for their version of events right before you make your apology. You may be surprised to learn that what you think happened and what s/he thinks happened are two different things.
If, for some reason, you can’t give an apology in person, give one via phone call. The same rules apply here - clear your schedule, hold your other calls, etc. You may also want to write a carefully-worded, sincere letter or email. Text messages are an absolute last resort and should only be used when the only alternative is no apology at all.
Be sure to demonstrate your attention by maintaining eye contact, nodding, and responding to questions or accusations respectfully. Besides these things, try to stay quiet and attentive until the person you’ve hurt is done talking. Never interrupt - this can aggravate tensions and lead to further hostility.
Old habits die hard. Promising to change is one thing, but actually changing is another thing entirely. We’ve all done it - sworn that we’d change our ways, then made the exact same mistake again. If you do, you’ll need to make another apology, but be careful - too many fruitless apologies can damage or even end a relationship.
Don’t give gag gifts or flirty, saucy presents. Instead, give something small and personal that fits what you know about the person. A small, modest bouquet (no roses unless you’re romantically involved) and a note is never a bad idea. Never give money - this is what mafia dons do to solve their grievances.
Give this person space. Even if your apology was accepted, things can remain tense and awkward between you and the person you’ve wronged. It’s not uncommon for it to take time for someone to completely trust you again. During this time, you may have less contact with this person and/or share a lower level of intimacy. Be willing to wait a week, a month, or longer for things to fully “cool down. "
Most of the time, deep down, you’ll know whether or not you were genuinely at fault in a given situation. When you’ve had time to cool down, reflect frankly on your actions. If you still think you’re guilt-free but find yourself making excuses for your behavior that aren’t immediately self-evident (that you didn’t mean to do whatever you did or that the person demanding an apology is being too sensitive, etc. ), you may want to reconsider.
