“Do I worry that they’ll take out their anger or frustration on me?” “Does our friendship feel like an emotional roller coaster?” “Do they make me feel like I have to compete with their other friends?” “How much time do they spend talking compared to how much time I spend talking? Do they really listen to me?” “Are they kind to me? Do they criticize me?” “How often do they reach out to me to check in about how I’m doing? Do we each put equal effort into the friendship?”[4] X Expert Source Tala Johartchi, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021. “Do I feel like they’re making an effort to grow and improve as a person?"[5] X Expert Source Tala Johartchi, PsyDClinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 16 July 2021.
For instance, if your friend continually asks you to go out to restaurants when you don’t want to, try: “Hey, Quinn, I’ll hang out with you Friday, but I want to stay in. If you end up going out, I’ll sit this one out and stay home. ” If your friend frequently blames you for things, try: “It’s hard for me to speak to you when you blame me for things I didn’t do. Please don’t do that. If you continue, I’m going to stop responding. ”
“Sterling, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, so I’m taking a month to refocus on myself. I don’t want to text or get together during that time. ” “I don’t want to hang out for a few weeks. I need some time and space to figure some personal things out. ” “Hi Waverley, I really need some space from our friendship for a few weeks. I’m overwhelmed and can’t give you my full attention and support. ”
Give an example of your friend’s negative behavior plus an “I feel” statement: “Last week, I felt really upset when you made that comment about my dating history, especially after I asked you not to. ” Then, describe the effect the behavior had on you: “It made me realize I need to be around people who support me and don’t judge me. ”
“Now that we’re each in different places in life and have different interests, I think it’s time we take some time apart to really explore our own individual paths. ” “Lately, I’ve been feeling like we’re into different things. I’m really busy with my new job, and want to move on from our friendship to focus on that and rediscover my own hobbies and passions. ” “Dom, I feel like we’ve grown apart recently. We don’t even like to do the same things anymore. ”
“I don’t want to be friends anymore. This isn’t healthy for either of us. ” “I wish you the absolute best, but I can’t support you as a friend anymore. ” “I hope you can understand that I can’t be in this friendship anymore. ” “I can’t be in this friendship anymore. I want friends who understand and support me where I’m at. I hope you find that, too. ”
Reiterate your main point: “This is how I feel. I don’t want to argue about this, and I don’t think we should be friends anymore. ” Stick to your boundaries: “Please stop texting me. ” Leave the situation: Stop responding, put your phone on airplane mode, or block their number if they continue trying to argue with you. If your friend starts to apologize, ask yourself: “Have they apologized before? Can I believe them?” Many toxic people will repeatedly apologize without changing their behavior. [12] X Research source Go with your gut as you decide whether to accept the apology.
Draw lines on texting, calling, and face-to-face contact: “I think it’s best if we don’t talk,” or, “I know we’ll see each other in class, but I’d like to stop texting. ” Decide whether you’ll interact with this person in group settings. You don’t have to communicate that directly to the toxic friend, but plan ahead for social situations. For instance, you might feel comfortable being polite and cordial, or you might feel like you can’t interact with that person yet.
Don’t feel like you need to respond to your friend’s messages right away. Don’t schedule time to hang out unless you actually want to.
Before you take this step, understand the toxic friend might get angry with you. However, in a truly toxic situation, you have the right to get yourself out of there.
