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Some of that is due to localization, as many phrases translate to something radically different in another language. Other clunkers, though, are just poorly conceived from the start. What they all have in common is that they’re liable to make players laugh at the wrong time, turning a potentially dramatic moment into an utter farce.
10 “Who Will I Have Ice Cream With?” – Kingdom Hearts: 358/2 Days
Despite the silly title, 358/2 Days is among the more somber Kingdom Hearts entries. It deals with wayward warrior Roxas as he struggles to find his place in Organization XIII, eventually realizing that he and his friends, Xion and Axel, were just puppets to be thrown away at a moment’s notice.
As Xion lays dying, though, Roxas despondently asks who he’ll have ice cream with. This obviously calls back to their time munching frozen treats atop the Twilight Town clock tower. It’s a relaxing ritual where they could be together as friends, but bringing it up in such a blatant fashion is childish and out-of-place. Rather than being broken up about this tragic loss, Roxas simply sounds hungry.
9 Every Mention Of Smell – Kingdom Hearts: Chain Of Memories
The first sequel introduced many concepts that would later disappear from the series. The most blatant was the annoying card battle gameplay, but far funnier was the idea of darkness having a scent. During Riku’s story, he senses the presence of Ansem and other villains by their darkness. Since he dwelt in darkness throughout the first game, he knows the distinctive “odor.”
Again, this has never been brought up before or since. It makes sense that Riku’s experience with darkness would make him more adept at detecting it. The issue is how that is conveyed. When he notes how bad his enemies smell, it sounds like plain old BO.
8 “If We Can Stop This By Doing Nothing, Then We’ll Do Nothing.” – Final Fantasy XIII
This is funny not so much for the line itself, but rather what it represents. The bubbly Vanille’s declaration to “do nothing” perfectly encapsulates the nonsense that is Final Fantasy XIII’s plot. Not only does the writing explain nothing about the world or characters, but the story doesn’t even track with its own twisted logic.
The most egregious example comes with the villain’s maniacal scheme, which calls for the heroes to defeat him and destroy all of creation in the process. If they simply refuse to fight him, his plan fails. When a ditzy kid like Vanille points out the flaws in his logic, he needs to rethink his priorities.
7 Every Mention Of “Chicken-Wuss” – Final Fantasy VIII
Considering most of its characters are military cadets, schoolyard rivalries inform much of Final Fantasy VIII. It makes sense to have a bully like Seifer provide a physical obstacle for players. However, this clown’s go-to insult for protagonist Squall Leonhart is asinine even by third-grade standards.
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It’s silly on the same level as Biff Tannen from Back to the Future, who calls every enemy a “butthead.” In those films, though, it’s meant to be pathetic and stupid. Here, Seifer uses this dig so often and so casually that the writers seem to think it’s a genuinely offensive. Why did they saddle their recurring villain with such a pitiful taunt?
6 “Lulu, How Could You? How Could You? Isn’t She Like A Sister To You?” – Final Fantasy X
In contrast to some of the more reserved Final Fantasy heroes, Tidus of Final Fantasy X is often naive and melodramatic. Nowhere is the more obvious than when he learns that his love interest Yuna will eventually sacrifice herself to defeat the monstrous Sin. After screaming to the heavens, Tidus explodes on the other party members.
It’s right out of a soap opera. The on-the-nose dialogue, combined with James Arnold Taylor’s overly weepy voice acting, makes this tantrum impossible to take seriously. Frankly, players probably shouldn’t be giggling when faced with the death of a main character.
5 “You’re About To Get A Great Dollop Of Friendship Right In The Mush.” – Dragon Quest Heroes
Cheesiness is par for the course in Square Enix games, but this is pushing it. As the titular Dragon Quest Heroes confront the final boss, he predictably boasts about his insurmountable power. The party then asserts that their bonds of friendship are stronger, and Bianca chimes in with this astoundingly silly threat.
The wording and delivery feel like an attempt at irony, as if the creators are self-aware with their cutesy cliché. Sadly, this tongue-in-cheek approach falls flat on its face. As a result, Bianca’s comment turns out even cornier than her peers. Instead of laughing with the archer, players are laughing at her.
4 Tarzan Swearing – Kingdom Hearts
When Sora and company crash into the Deep Jungle world, they encounter Tarzan the ape man. Unfortunately, he hasn’t come far enough in his “Strangers Like Me” learning montage to carry a human conversation, so he greets the heroes with indistinct ape noises.
To convey this, the developers replace his subtitles with symbols and punctuation typically used for swearing, which can catch players off guard. By many people’s logic, Tarzan spouts a host of NSFW words at the wholesome adventurers. He may be a tree surfer, but he swears like a sailor.
3 “You Also Must Die And Become Gods.” – NieR: Automata
One wouldn’t think a mechanized future like NieR’s would subscribe to spiritual concepts, but a group of robotic cultists quickly dash that presumption. After they witness their leader’s death, these automatons think he’s become a god. They then try to kill the heroine to give her the same divine gift.
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The obvious illogic of a bunch of mechs holding this notion is silly enough, but repeating the phrase over and over (especially as players slice them to pieces) takes the tale straight into parody territory. It only hammers home how ludicrous the saying sounds. Give these things a good jumpstart, and they’ll have their godlike resurrection.
2 “Death Is Part Of Life.” – Rise Of The Tomb Raider
The second entry in the Tomb Raider reboot trilogy culminates in Lara Croft preventing the evil Trinity organization from attaining immortality. As antagonist Ana holds the Divine Source, Lara desperately tries to talk her down, asserting that death is natural and unavoidable. The way she says it, though, come across as a sloppy oxymoron rather than profound wisdom.
The intention is clear: Death does indeed come for everyone. However, it arrives at the end of life. By definition, death can’t be part of life. Lara snuffs out so many nameless thugs in these games that she ought to know that.
1 “You’re Going To Destroy What You Want To Save? That’s Just Wrong.” - Star Ocean: The Last Hope
This isn’t the first or last time a Square Enix villain has wanted to destroy the universe to “save” it from pain and suffering. That said, it’s the characters’ reaction to this lunatic plan that makes this more chuckle-worthy.
After the Apostle of Creation outlines his apocalyptic scheme, Reimi pipes up with this little summary followed by her personal condemnation. Hearing the abridged version of the baddie’s plan really highlights how silly it is. On top of that, saying that this action is “just wrong” is the pinnacle of stating the obvious. It’s like the characters are so insulated that they can’t fathom any wrongdoing. Well, kids, it’s a big galaxy.
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